Thursday, June 20, 2013

And now for the last installment in Tales! From!...the Retirement! Village!

Hello all,

For anyone who hasn't been following this series of blog posts, here's the scoop:

The back story: I'm visiting my mother for the first 1/3 of the summer. She lives in a retirement village, a 20,000 acre gated community inhabited by old people (mostly), who enjoy nothing more than eating dinner at 4 p.m., being suspicious of outsiders, reporting Village Covenant violations, getting angry when people drive through the entrance gate without giving their name, and playing golf. Lots and lots of golf. And also sometimes being crazy and driving very slow. It is a hysterical/disturbing/awesome/strange place.

I'm leaving in a few days, so this may be the final installment of Tales From the Retirement Village (Unless I subscribe to the local paper online, which I might do, because I am enjoying this way too much to give it up without a fight. I mean, I need at least the rest of the summer to adjust. It's gone by so fast! *has trouble letting go of the retirement village*)

Anyhoo, here are some fresh tales:

"Hot Springs Village Voice, Tuesday, June 18, 2013" Police Reports:

"A suspicious man walking around a Magellan Golf Course home was learned to be a caretaker, watering plants for the homeowner."

(ASIDE: The old people here are like birds of prey with laser vision when it comes to suspicious people/cars/happenings, y'all. You do NOT want to come into The Village to get your suspicious on. There will be consequences!!)

"Officers responded to multiple animal complaints including barking and loose dogs, and a potentially rabid raccoon. Where appropriate, animal complaints were referred to animal control."

(ASIDE: You also do not want to get your rabid on in The Village. They do not tolerate that shit.)

"A confrontation between dog owners occurred on the XXXX Spillway trail, when one party reported their dog attacked by another and claimed to be threatened by the alleged attacking dog's owner. An officer found no marks on the reportedly attacked dog and learned that the alleged attacking dog was on a leash. One of the alleged aggressive dogs, described as a "Great Dane" by the complainant, was an Aussie Shepherd. The owner of the alleged attacked dog said she has "anxiety disorder."

(ASIDE: Which has the anxiety disorder, the woman or the dog? Better question, does it really matter? The important thing here is that we don't get our breeds of dogs confused, because that is just unacceptable in all the ways that things can be unacceptable.)

"Officers responded to a Life-Line alert finding a resident disturbed by a beeping alarm clock in her kitchen."

(ASIDE: ?)

"An erratic, maroon Buick on XXXX Boulevard was not found."

(ASIDE: It was clearly the Buick that was erratic. The driver had nothing to do with it. Damn Buicks.)

"A repeated incident of a reported argument was again learned to be the result of a man talking loudly on the phone. This time, the owner was upset for being reported to police and wants the complainant to stop."

(ASIDE: Amen. Let the man talk loudly on the phone. He has important things to say. At a loud volume.)

Oh Retirement Village, *sniff*, I'm going to miss you.

Especially this part:


Many thanks to my sweet, generous mother for putting up with all of us for an entire month. I consider it a testimony to LOVE! and THE MAGICAL UNICORN-LIKE POWER OF FAMILY! that none of us has attempted to stab any of the others with a kitchen knife, and that we are departing as friends, family, and amigos.

BOOK SIGNING HEADS UP: I'm in Oxford, Mississippi at Square Books Jr (one of my favorite indie bookstore of all time) tonight at 5 p.m. Come see me!

Happy Thursday,

Stacey

3 comments:

Miss Bliss said...

That was HIGHLY enjoyable. Hats off to your Mama for being so supportive of you and your family and your writing. Also...have you ever read the Arcata Eye's Police Blotter? You have to stick with it a little while before you get to the fun parts, but oh the fun parts.

http://www.arcataeye.com/2013/06/arcata-police-log-schrodingers-cat-makes-appearance-in-driveway-or-does-it/

Rhianna said...

O M G Stacey... please do not take it as an insult that I had to really look at your mom to be sure that wasn't you in a wig. :P I get that 'OMG you look like your mom' thing and hate it but you and your mom have that going on too. Sorry! Makes me feel less alone. lol

My great-grandparents lived in a fancy mobile-home park before passing away and it was sooooo like that. They had a 5 MPH speed limit inside it! Anyone visiting relatives there that drove in after 9PM was regarded with potential terrorist level suspicion.

Stacey Jay said...

Thanks Bliss! My mama is the best.

And I won't take offense Rhianna...this time...*beady eye*